I Went Back!!!

Guys,

I went back to Main Money, Inc.

Am I crazy?

I left a year and a half ago….after my hater became the VP over the site where I worked.

I told the Executive Director at the time that if my hater resumed supervision over the site, I would leave.

She came back.

I left.

The Executive Director at the time was shocked like “you weren’t playing”!

No ma’am….I was not.

I was so bored at the job that I went to though.  When the opportunity came up for me to go back…I took it.

The funny part about it….remember my cousin.  The one that slept with my co-worker and got pregnant?  I don’t know if I finished that story….but I will.  Well…he recently got fired from the position that I started today.

Why….you ask?

For screwing one of the staff members, getting her pregnant, and lying to Human Resources about it.

LOL….he’s an idiot.  A sick idiot.

These Tylenol PMs are working.  Let me go to sleep.

Help?

I really wish people were aware of how insensitive they sound sometimes talking to a person battling depression.

I get that I talk to people that genuinely wanna help me but sometime their word choices and encouragements are just….not it.

If I’m talking to you about something that’s hurting me…something that’s upsetting me to the point that I’m in tears or on the verge of tears….the correct thing to say is NOT “let’s not start the day off with that….its not even 8am” or “you deserve to have a good day”.

High five, homie….cuz I’ll be damned if I dont think I deserve to have a good day too.

Believe it or not, I don’t intend to wake up and fuck up my own day on purpose.

That’s the thing with depression.

If I could just deflect the feelings and emotions that come over me, I would not be depressed.

I have no control over what pops into my head and causes an emotional reaction.

If I could just force myself to think about other things or to “think happy thoughts”, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

I want people to realize that helping me is not instructing me to think about other things… because that shit is not easy.

And sometimes…my attention and energy shouldn’t be diverted. Help me by getting me THROUGH the moment. Not AROUND the moment. Because the moments…they lurk. They lurk and they pounce. They don’t just….disappear because I’m focused on something else.

I dont like feeling heavy….to others around me. I know support only goes so far before people get frustrated because they cant “fix” me and I wont “just snap out of it”. I keep a lot of my “moments” to myself….for just that reason.

I know my people mean no harm. I know they believe they’re doing the right things. I just wish they understood that I’m not just…immersing myself in depression. I’m not laying comfortably with it. We are not friends. I’m fighting every day against it. Fighting to get out of bed. Fighting to find a purpose in my life to motivate me to get to work. Fighting to give enough of a fuck to shower and get dressed and not just splash water on my face and throw on whatever is at the top of my laundry mountain…..not pile…..mountain. Fighting to stop the tears long enough to make it from my apartment to my car. Fighting to not burst into tears while I sit in my car outside of work. Fighting to not say fuck this, fuck that, fuck y’all….I’m out….and go back home to crawl under the covers.

By the time I get to the point where I am talking….sharing with someone else what’s going on with me….I’ve given all fight that I have at the time and I am exhausted.

I’m not a weak person….by any means.

And fuck anybody that thinks so.

Come tell me to my face so I can show you.

“You have to speak to that thing…”

I love and appreciate my support system.

All the people that stand behind me to hold me up.

Bless their hearts. They try so hard to help me get through life with depression.

I don’t have the heart to tell them anymore…that their suggestions on how I can “get better” don’t work.

This morning, I’m speaking to “Missy” (I’ll tell you later) when I broke down into tears about my pending break up with Jo ( I’ll tell you later). The answer to that was to tell me “You have to speak to that thing”.

Me: What thing?

Missy: That spirit. That spirit of depression.

Me: …….

Missy is a Minister. And that’s what Ministers do. And how they advise. I get it.

But “speak to” my depression?

And say what? “Excuse me…Mr. Depression, sir….could you please…like….leave me alone? I really don’t have time for your shit.”

LOL….I gotta say though. Typing that out did tickle me a little bit.

If depression were a person….I’d roundhouse that person.

Repeatedly.

People really don’t understand though….that telling me about the positives in my life DOES NOT negate the negatives.

If it were so easy as to just….focus on the positives…would depression even be a thing?

A thing that requires medication in some instances.

If it were so easy as to just “speak to” it. Wouldn’t I have done that already? Would it be able to debilitate me?

It just….gets under my skin when depression is looked at as something to just….get over. To….not be granted permission to take over your life. It makes it seem like I’m depressed because of something that I’m not doing.

I have low self esteem.

I don’t believe in myself.

I fail to see the positives.

I don’t. Have. Enough. Faith.

I know I’m the shit. Even if I don’t feel like it a lot of the time. I know all of the positive attributes without anybody even having to remind me.

I know.

And I keep trying to explain this to the people I know.

I know who I am and I know my capabilities.

But the negatives. The sadness. The heaviness. The…..dark. It’s still here. It’s not scared of my positive outlook on life.

It’s fighting me just as hard as I’m fighting it!

And in the end….I’m exhausted!

So…I listen to the advice….the suggestions. Play this song. Meditate. Focus on…..

I listen. And I “Yes….okay”.

And then I hang up….and I eat left over hotdogs for breakfast and watch an episode of whatever series I’m into at the time. Because this is how I cope. This is how I….pull it together to be able to get through my day as a supervisor, a co-worker, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a friend, and a strong shoulder….until I can get back to that space in the middle of my bed….watching episodes of whatever series I’m into at the time.

This is how I fight.

May not be much of a fight. But I’m still here. Doing the best that I can.

Tired

I cried this morning.

It caught me off guard too.

I had no idea that flood of emotion was coming.

Last night, laying in bed with Jo, I asked her why we don’t talk for fun anymore. Explained to her that all of our conversation is very purposeful. She calls when she needs something or to discuss something, and once that discussion is over, the conversation ends. There are no more “I just called to hear your voice” calls. Or calls to just talk about nothing.

Her first response was “you have time for that”?

Then she went on to point out to me how we communicate via email during the day and how our communication is solid, etc, etc….blah blah blah.

I didn’t have the energy. To argue that that still wasn’t enough. Communicating via email once or twice every other day is not what I signed up for.

So I let it go….went to sleep.

This morning, she kissed me before she left for work and then….nothing. I didn’t even get the generic text message that she sends me every morning before walking into work so that she can remember to lock her phone in the car. I got nothing.

So, I explain to her that I would like more interaction with her during the day…. and she responds by doing less? By not even doing the things that she normally does?

*sigh*

I’m so tired.

I don’t have any fight left.

I already feel like trash for having to request what should be occurring naturally between us.

It literally makes me feel dirty asking her why we don’t just talk….to talk any more.

I explained to Jo in the beginning of our relationship that I am not impressed with money…or things. The only thing that I require…is time and attention. She agreed. Telling me that those were small things. Easy to do.

I am tired of ending up here.

This…Jo….isn’t the woman that I fell in love with.

I don’t know who this person is.

And I want out.

And that shit scares me.

I wrote a thing – Part 2

And so, Cindy was reaching out to everyone that knew of her and Shark’s relationship to see if he’d been talking about her….them.  Shark had stopped taking her phone calls and responding to her contact attempts.

Cindy reached out to my cousin several times.

During one of my many check ins with my cousin while she was staying in my apartment, we would trade stories about conversations with Cindy.  I would ask my cousin what Cindy had been asking her and saying to her.  My cousin responded that Cindy was crazy and exhibiting some stalker-ish behaviors.

Rewind:  In the months leading up to her break up with Shark and my cousin’s breakup with her fiancé, Cindy had begun to act….different.  Suspicious?  Jealous…..?  Just….different.  To the point that Shark had to limit the amount of time that he spent interacting with my cousin at work.  Me, still seeing it as a brother/sister relationship, attempted to explain to Cindy….when she vented to me….that they were just close…not romantic.  Because I had spoken to my cousin, many times, about her relationship with Shark and whether or not it was taking a more romantic turn.  She assured me that they were just cool….that was her bro.  Call me naive, but I don’t see the point in lying to me.  I have no children and absolutely no authority over anyone.  Especially another grown adult.  So I went with what my cousin said.

Cindy was on my phone and in my inbox ALL DAY LONG immediately following her break up with Shark.  To the point that I…got mean.  Something along the lines of….it’s over…he’s showing you that he doesn’t want to be with you….it’s not because of my cousin…they’re just friends…men and women can be friends…stop letting this drag you down…you’re better than this.  She stopped speaking to me after that.

The summer progressed…and after noticing more time spent together and rides to and from work…I questioned Shark’s relationship with my cousin MANY times.  My cousin continuously told me that she was still very much in love with her ex-fiance and that Shark was just her bro.  She told me that she had just gotten out of a long relationship and that she just wanted to be a hoe for a little while.  But not with Shark.  Because he was short, balding, and had hair growing out of his ears.  Shark said….she’s just a really cool person…that’s my family.  Again…me being me….no one has any reason to lie to me.  So why not believe it?  I told my cousin that it wasn’t a good idea to date him.  He’s married…and messy.  His business is very public.  And my ultimate rule:  I don’t want him in my apartment.  It became a running joke:  “don’t….don’t date Mr. Shark….I don’t want that dude in my house”.

Funny story.  I told Cindy the same thing before she started dating him.  She didn’t listen.

Fast forward to September…the month that the wedding was supposed to occur.  It was to be a joint affair.  Dominican Republic Wedding and Vow Renewal.  My parents were renewing their vows for their 25th anniversary and my cousin was to get married.  My family is huge…so one trip…two events worked for everyone!  Shark was initially to attend my cousin’s wedding with Cindy.  After the break up, he decided to bring his mom.  My cousin stayed in her room…which was to be her honeymoon suite…alone…much to the dismay of my mother and my aunt.  She was adamant about not having anyone else in her room.  I understood because she was destined to get the sympathy looks and a million check up questions…which is hard to deal with when you just don’t want to be bothered.  Even if she was trying to forget, my family wouldn’t let her.

My cousin had a hard time at my parents’ vow renewal.  She was boo-hooing the entire time.  Afterward, Shark….he wasn’t invited to my parents’ vow renewal….he was only on the trip for my cousin’s wedding….and my mother didn’t really like him.  Anyway…after the ceremony, Shark was there for my cousin.  I sent him a text thanking him for being here for her.

Toward the end of the trip, I scheduled massages for myself, Jo, and my cousin.  I found myself alone with my cousin in the pool and I asked her about her relationship with Shark.  She admitted that they’d had sex but that there was nothing more as he still had a wife.  She told me that they’d had sex AFTER both break ups.  My thing?  Was he in my house?  No.

So….a week later….we’re back in NYC.  I attended a birthday celebration for my cousin’s sister at a restaurant.  At the function, my cousin calls a family meeting at my parents’ house for the next Sunday.  Everybody around the table was looking around like….oooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?  After the restaurant, driving home, I pull up next to my cousin’s other sister.  I ask if she knew what the family meeting was going to be about and she gave me “the look”.  I asked her again.  She gave me the hem and haw….I don’t want you to be mad….if I tell you you can’t tell anybody and you gotta act surprised.

Me:  What?!

Her:  “My cousin” pregnant.

Part 3 coming soon.  I need a nap.

I wrote a thing….and forgot to title it!

I wrote a thing while I was sitting in my car on Tuesday morning. It’s not finished….but it’s a long story. Posting it so I’ll be motivated to finish it later.

The baby is here by the way. Healthy and cute.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

My cousin is in labor.

Bit of back story. (FYI – I probably won’t fit the whole story into this one post….because it’s a lot. But I promise to continue later)

I have this cousin. She was engaged to be married to this guy last year in September.

When she got engaged, she was working at a restaurant and not making much money. There was an opening at my job, so I got her an interview. I was extremely cool with my boss so it was a no brainer. She got the job and was making double her salary so she could save for her wedding.

At the job, my cousin quickly befriended the other staff. I was in a supervisory position so I was a bit detached. But she became especially cool with this dude that I had taken under my wing. The dude had a reputation for running through women at the job. He had a fling with one of the supervisors and damn near drove her crazy. I would hear them arguing because my office was a couple doors down. The way he spoke to her…it was no secret that they were screwing. At the time that my cousin started working there, he had moved on to another staff member, not a supervisor, that hung out with my cousin and the other staff that she’d gotten close with. All of this carrying on with a wife and 3 children at home. But that was none of my business.

The group of them, they would all hang out. Go to each others birthday parties and events, etc. The guy….the one that I took under my wing…he was like a little brother to me. I started a book club, he joined. My aunt wrote a book, he came to the book signing. He was like one of the family. So….I didnt think anything of it when he and my cousin started getting closer. It was like a brother/sister relationship.

In June of last year, the guy…the one that my cousin was engaged to….called off the wedding.

Of course, me and my ENTIRE family were enraged! How could he. They’d been together for 4 years…he was part of the family. He saved my life one Christmas morning because I had a migraine and still hadn’t finished shopping so he drove my around to get what I needed. How could he….right?

We couldn’t understand why he was being so cold all of a sudden. We blamed it on his recent (at the time) trip to London. We KNEW that he’d found someone else.

Basically, dude was dead to us.

So…right after this event…my cousin was being smothered by my aunt, and my mother. I felt for her because I know what that feels like. My mother can be very overbearing and that is not what you need when you’re trying to figure shit out.

I told my cousin that she could stay in my apartment because I was rarely there. I was spending most of my nights at Jo’s (my girlfriend) place.

My cousin happily took me up on the offer.

So…in the days after the breaking the engagement….I noticed the guy at work….let’s call him Shark. I noticed Shark hovering and circling around my cousin. To the point that I had to call him out on it like chill…she’s vulnerable…just had her heart broken….fall back. He was like nah nah nah, we’re just cool…I know she’s hurting….that’s my sis.

Then….the very next week. Or maybe even later in that week….Shark breaks up with his mistress (let’s call her Cindy) at the time. Abruptly. Leaving Cindy an emotional wreck. In the weeks that followed, Cindy continuously called everybody that knew of her and Shark’s relationship asking them if they’ve heard from him and what he’s been saying about their relationship. Everybody including my cousin.

More later…..

Therapy Homework

Soooooooo….I’m still with my girlfriend formerly known as “Lovey”.

Lovey is not special to just us anymore….because she calls everyone Lovey…including her ex-not girlfriend. Or so she claims. Because she and the woman had all the makings of a relationship…but because she refuses to define it as a relationship….it’s not so. But I digress.

From now on….my girlfriend will be referred to as Jo.

Jo bought me these flowers. It’s kinda been our thing since we started dating. She asked me what my favorite color was. I told her. And two days after we met, she bought me a dozen. These are the most recent installment of my blue roses. They were hand delivered by her. She’s so confusing….but….They’re so pretty!

They die REALLY fast though. Im guessing because of the dye. But for about 3 days, I am elated every time I look at them. So I made them my therapy homework for that day. Not today though. I haven’t taken a picture of anything today.

But I wrote a thing!!!!