I love and appreciate my support system.
All the people that stand behind me to hold me up.
Bless their hearts. They try so hard to help me get through life with depression.
I don’t have the heart to tell them anymore…that their suggestions on how I can “get better” don’t work.
This morning, I’m speaking to “Missy” (I’ll tell you later) when I broke down into tears about my pending break up with Jo ( I’ll tell you later). The answer to that was to tell me “You have to speak to that thing”.
Me: What thing?
Missy: That spirit. That spirit of depression.
Missy is a Minister. And that’s what Ministers do. And how they advise. I get it.
But “speak to” my depression?
And say what? “Excuse me…Mr. Depression, sir….could you please…like….leave me alone? I really don’t have time for your shit.”
LOL….I gotta say though. Typing that out did tickle me a little bit.
If depression were a person….I’d roundhouse that person.
People really don’t understand though….that telling me about the positives in my life DOES NOT negate the negatives.
If it were so easy as to just….focus on the positives…would depression even be a thing?
A thing that requires medication in some instances.
If it were so easy as to just “speak to” it. Wouldn’t I have done that already? Would it be able to debilitate me?
It just….gets under my skin when depression is looked at as something to just….get over. To….not be granted permission to take over your life. It makes it seem like I’m depressed because of something that I’m not doing.
I have low self esteem.
I don’t believe in myself.
I fail to see the positives.
I don’t. Have. Enough. Faith.
I know I’m the shit. Even if I don’t feel like it a lot of the time. I know all of the positive attributes without anybody even having to remind me.
And I keep trying to explain this to the people I know.
I know who I am and I know my capabilities.
But the negatives. The sadness. The heaviness. The…..dark. It’s still here. It’s not scared of my positive outlook on life.
It’s fighting me just as hard as I’m fighting it!
And in the end….I’m exhausted!
So…I listen to the advice….the suggestions. Play this song. Meditate. Focus on…..
I listen. And I “Yes….okay”.
And then I hang up….and I eat left over hotdogs for breakfast and watch an episode of whatever series I’m into at the time. Because this is how I cope. This is how I….pull it together to be able to get through my day as a supervisor, a co-worker, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a friend, and a strong shoulder….until I can get back to that space in the middle of my bed….watching episodes of whatever series I’m into at the time.
This is how I fight.
May not be much of a fight. But I’m still here. Doing the best that I can.